We Grow

The more I learn, the less I know. Through every high and every low, I grow.

That song, Grow, hits hard. It's a shame that the Eurovision Song Contest 2020 got canceled due to the coronavirus pandemic. That song could've been an easy top-ten finish.

I have been feeling unwell. Not physically but mentally. I have felt mad at myself since receiving that procedural fairness letter from the IRCC. I know it's not the end of the world since the visa officer gave me a chance to defend myself. It was an honest mistake, and I had to come clean. As if I had other options, right? But the truth is, I needed to pay more attention to that section when I was still filling out my application form two months ago. I may have gotten too overexcited that I misinterpreted that section. But I made it clear in my response letter that it was an honest mistake, and I even attached a screenshot of my forms to support my statement. It's been more than two weeks since I submitted the response letter. I carefully followed the instructions on how to send the response letter. I had been waiting to hear from IRCC since then, just an auto-generated reply from their email. Requesting for updates about my application was all but in vain. I still have three weeks before the start of the online registration of my class. But fuck, it's hitting me hard for the past few days.

I decided to take a 3-week vacation at home. All I did was distract myself–playing PS4 and Nintendo Switch, watching Netflix and Discovery Plus, and reading books. I have never been this anxious. Every day I check my email, expecting to read the highly-coveted donotreply emails from IRCC. I keep checking my profile at IRCC, but no new updates since June 1st. I don't know. It's just hard, I guess. I had no choice but to wait. Waiting isn't part of my dictionary. I am starting to explore alternative options, just in case. Again, there's nothing that I can do at this point. 

I do believe in fate, though. Weeks before I planned to lodge my application online, my dad was still trying to look for more funds for my first-term tuition. But by God's grace, a buyer was interested in our pick-up truck. It was unexpected, and it was a blessing in disguise. Everything was actually falling into the right places. Well, almost until that letter came last June 1st. But no, I always think that it was just a speed bump. It's over once the fat lady sings. It's not that I am an ex-convict trying to deny that fact on my application. That's a ground for misrepresentation. Again, mine was just an honest mistake. A few group members contacted me and said my case was easy to defend. That gave me hope.

Still, there are many things to be thankful for, even if they go south (God forbid). I still have a job that pays well and is fulfilling most of the time. I still live (and still can afford) in a posh neighborhood in Makati. I have supportive friends and family. Whatever happens, I am still blessed. In my application, I passed my medical exam. I don't need to worry about my well-being for a long time. My lungs are clear, my blood tests yielded the expected results, and I am physically healthy.

It's a matter of changing my perspectives in life, you know. Whatever happens, I didn't live full of what-ifs and regrets. I tried. I always try and will always try. At the end of the day, I still hope for the best. 

Life will be more beautiful than I could ever imagine. 

I shall focus on my long-term goals. Good things will happen soon.